So we have had Milton for eight years now and all this time I assumed he was, religiously speaking, just like me, i.e. a reluctant agnostic, raised in a fundamental Christian home, who has serious doubts about organized religion in general but is not cynical enough to say for sure there is no God, yet is unwilling to relinquish free will for some questionable quest for salvation, etc.
Turns out he is Jewish. We discovered it this weekend when he refused to have any of my son Rory’s ham and bacon pizza. Admittedly so did I, but not not for religous reasons in my case, more for general “preferring not to vomit” reasons. Milton has never made that that distinction with food (exhibit 1 below), so we must assume there is a loftier, more noble reason for his principled stand against pork products.
Naturally, we felt very bad at neglecting every Jewish holiday for the past eight years (all 2,312 of them), so we decided to help him embrace his Hebrew heritage, starting by changing his name to Manishevits Gooberman in honor of Sarah Silverman’s Great Schlep:
We still have a few things to work out. It’s kind of hard to tell when Manishevits is honoring the Sabbath. Seems like it’s pretty much “Sabbath 24/7” with him, but maybe he’s just not well-versed enough in the tenets of his faith yet. Also, we’re a little concerned about the whole circumcision thing (and no doubt so is Manishevits) because we can’t find the requisite ‘holy organ’ anywhere.
In fairness, we decided to rename Tiny Milt, too. “Tiny Manishevits” was just a little much, however, so we decided to jump on the recently reinvigorated “Spice” bandwagon (Sarah Palin=Bible Spice; h/t Tbogg) and she will from now on be “Fuzzy Spice.”